Is my role as a son to take my parents love, on their terms? By that I mean, their definition of the word love seemingly changes based on their needs, or what they need out of the person. Example, my dad claims family is above all, love your family, no matter what. He loves both my brother, and myself. Yet his needs differ from both child. It’s not hard to see why he could expect less from my brother. Now, the thing that I have done to upset him, as a son, is standing up for myself and my family when it came to his political/religious views. At this point, regardless of where you draw your line in the sand, everyone knows the definition of a “trumper”, so lets just leave it at that. His main identity now is grounded, conservative, and he admires trump. The fact that we disagree on things is fine, its normal. But he has demonstrated racism, on more than a few current occasions I didn’t appreciate.
So, where does this leave me as a son? Am I disrespecting his idea of the family code by not siding with him, and idly sit by while my childrens grandfather is putting this out into the world?
Growing up without religion, gave me a bit of a neutral stance on it. I’ve never believed in any sort of higher power out there, that is dictating actions, or watching behaviors. That is not to say I don’t respect religion. I most certainly do, and find some of it quite fascinating. I understand peoples need for it, because I have thought about it. A lot. Overthought, and every time I feel I get a visual about how small we as humans actually are, my head literally spins. Better yet, its almost as if I am standing on a trap door and the door lets go. That initial feeling of free fall is the only way I can describe it.
Ok, religion. What does that have to do with this? Not being in any particular religion, I got to see peoples views on their own religion. Its almost as if, I have a blank spot on my person that other people seem to want to fill with their label. My parents were both raised catholic I think, and decided not to press that stuff onto their kids which I actually, really do appreciate. I don’t know if they knew/know that, but I feel that is a very defining factor of myself.
My wife is Jewish, her entirely family is. Growing up in a small farm town, I knew nothing about the Jewish religion other than some horrible stereotypes that I learned in said small town. Fast forward to when I first met my wife, and I was still living at my dads house. We were about to go shopping for a washer and dryer set that would work well if we were to buy a home together. I am walking out to the car with my wife, and before we can sit down, my dad calls from the porch “Hey, make sure you jew them down a bit.” I, ignorant as shit, didn’t realize this one sentence’s implications. I am truly sorry if this sentence offends anyone, but my purpose is to shine light on this perpetual darkness.
One sentence, and here I am still thinking about it. I think that’s considered, casual racism? Where its dropped so candidly, it was never introduced as racism. Or wrong. Was my role as a son to just say ok? Or was my role as a partner more prominent? Was my dads role as a father to lay blanket statements like that? Or maybe was his role as a father, to TEACH his son, why racism is small dick energy. Just one example of me being in my 20s and experiencing this. I can only imagine more of these little “stabs” will pop up the more I think about them.
What I eventually ended up doing, was lay out a long list of things that I wanted to accomplish as a father. It was a long, thought out list sure, but I sent it to my dad in a message last year. I had to get it out of my thought process, or else it turns into a circle that keeps repeating itself. I also have a hard time verbalizing my thoughts/needs, I have always been better at writing them. I have way more confidence when I know I can approach it without judgement while trying to iterate it, even having someone’s attention puts me in a different place.
What he gave back to me was a little less than trying. He wrote that it was too hard to understand, and that if he had had his ex-girlfriend with him, she would be able to decipher it. I don’t think I messaged him back. As my role as a father? I would fucking try to understand what my son was telling me.
My oldest, has a spirit, that would light up the sky. He is open, smart, empathetic, curious, kind, funny, and he understands racism. He asks about George Floyd, BLM, and what the significance of I cant breathe. Do you have any idea how fucking terrible I would feel if I were to be the one to snuff out his flame? In fact, I feel quite the opposite. I feel I would put myself out there, to be a shield in anyway shape or form, to keep his spirit much alive, and his own.
So back to the original theory… If this were to look like a pyramid, would my role as a father be at the top? Partner? Son? Worker? Community Member? I have never been so optimistic about putting an actual Sadsack definition to something I never quite knew existed. It was always there, I just hadn’t been taught to view it.
WAY more to uncover, on the next installment of Role Defition!
-SSS