An argument that came to mind this morning was about “being in the moment”. There seems to be a line in the sand when it comes to experiencing things, and how to experience these things. I, personally, like to take photos of things, selfies, videos, things to document emotion ; What happened and to be able to remember that moment in time, and hopefully revisit it later. Whereas some folks would rather NOT document anything and just absorb the moment. This is all well and good, until anxiety plays a role.
I learned a few years ago about my presence of anxiety. I knew it was always there, but I didn’t understand that it dictated and influenced my decisions so heavily. Maybe an example will paint a picture : Say you are at a fair with the family, and you all want to enjoy a specialty dessert or something. Everyone else does too, so you wait in line. My brain, defaults to our position in the line, how long will it take, what if the people behind us start getting upset that the line is taking too long, or what if the person at the front of the line is having an issue and holding up the line? What if the kids start acting up, or lose their patience, or have to see their dad overwhelmed, and fully mentally stimulated. Ok fast forward, we make it to the counter, we get the treat and head on over to go sit and enjoy it. I won’t mention the anxiety about picking an actual spot to go relax, but just assume we get there. ^_^ Success! Right..? … ? This is where I would love to pull out the phone and record a kiddo taking a bite of something and take some solace knowing that it’s recorded somewhere and I can relive it in the comfort of my own home later.
Recently I started looking at my anxiety as an umbrella in my mind. Being at the very forefront on my thoughts. When anything would come in, it would interact with the umbrella and flood down into other aspects of my brain. Once I started looking at it like this, I could visualize it a bit better and understand how anxiety functions inside my head. It’s always there, ready to pounce.
Very standard situation happens multiple times a day, every day. Now, what I suspect I would hear from the opposing side is, put your damn phone down and enjoy the moment you’ll only get to live it once blahblahblah why waste it by taking yourself out of the situation with a camera.
SURE! I understand that works for some, and that’s great! But those people, if they only understood that people with anxiety literally ingest life differently, maybe they could exercise a bit more patience and empathy.
That might be asking a lot, but one of the things that makes me the most uncomfortable is confrontation. I go back to waiting in line, and think about the potential of those people behind us, or in front of us, or who literally walk by and mutter “You won’t catch me dead waiting in a line that long”. The opposition, and going against the grain in a social scenario is enough to make my head spin.
The grocery store is also an incredible example of a daily struggle with social situations. After our first child, we would go to the grocery store together as a family and shop. Normal. As soon as we would get into the store, my brain would jump to a scene where our kiddo would lose his patience and melt down. Screaming, Crying, Inconsolable, and making a scene for the entire store to see. So this thought dictated my entire shopping trip. I would have a hard time focusing on what we actually needed at home, or what might make a good addition on the fly. Maybe we forgot to put it on the grocery list, but the shopping trip became incredibly black and white. One goal, get in and out as soon as possible with ruffling the least amount of feathers as possible. Nothing about this is out of the norm, just how it can be viewed. Believe it or not, this feeling got to be so bad, we had to start taking turns going grocery shopping while the other parent stayed home with the kiddo.
Yes, for some, taking photos and videos of daily events can be seen as invasive and unnatural. But, is it REALLY worth it to go out of your way and make someone else feel small because you feel so big? This is also a topic I am interested in, but how in the hell are the seemingly uneducated voices the L O U D E S T!?
You do you, I’m trying to do me.
-SSS
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