role[rōl]NOUN
- an actor’s part in a play, movie, etc..
- the function assumed or part played by a person or thing in a particular situation. “she greeted us all in her various roles of mother, friend, and daughter”
A week or so ago, a pretty big concept emerged during a therapy session. I was just talking, and I apologized during it, saying I had no idea where it was going or if what I was saying even made any sense. She, you could tell, was trying to keep me in the moment of the thought and to let it work through without distracting me by saying “its ok, don’t worry about it” or something among those lines. So I kept talking, and it brought me back to my early teen years. There was a pretty pivotal moment in my timeline, and it was regarding self definition.
I can’t put the blame on anyone or anything, that’s not my goal here. Everything that had happened, was done with “best intentions” I feel, and my family did the best they could in the situation. It was, a story about addiction like no other in my house hold. All 3 of my immediate family members struggle with addiction, and still continue to. So when I was 12-13-14, trying to figure out what made me tick, my family was worried about my older brother and if he was going to come home that night, if the police would knock on our door at 2:00am, of if he would coerce someone to drop him back off at our house because “They can pay you for the ride and the drugs I used”. Like I said, I cannot and will not put any blame on my immediate family, because I don’t even know what I would do NOW, and I am 24 years older than I was.
What does this have to do with Roles and why the hell are roles important? SENSE OF SELF ! ! ! I didn’t have one! I was reactionary, not proactive. My dad used to have the mentality of no situation was inherently good, or bad.. Just whether or not you got “paid” enough for it. I don’t mean money necessarily, but he did tie a value to it. So, what that looks like is, even if a situation made you feel bad/nervous/scared, there is always a value assigned to that situation and the goal would be to find out how to get that value. Not “Hey, omg this is a shitty situation, you should probably stick up for yourself and get the hell out of it” its “Why are you so weak that you cant even stand being a little bit uncomfortable”
Clearly he was thinking of his own limits and how he could handle any situation, not how a pre-teen child with a bedridden mother, amphetamine addicted brother, and an alcoholic father would digest this information.
I briefly wrote on twitter a few days ago, some theories as to why my “roles” were never developed as a kid. It wasn’t well thought out, or drafted or anything. Just, ideas. Those ideas though, that’s where my focus needs to be on.
An experience came to mind just now. I can vividly remember the night when my parents found a pack of cigarettes’ in my brothers room. This was prior to my brother getting arrested. My dads mom smoked, and died from lung cancer so I think it hit a little close to my father. I remember it was late in the evening, close to bedtime. My mom was in the bathroom sobbing in front of the toilet, trying to flush everything down, like it would’ve helped anything. If it helped her, that’s another story and I cannot blame her for that. My dad, was pacing around the kitchen, looking furious, almost looking to fight. My dad and I never had an emotional relationship growing up, so it would’ve been impossible to try and talk to him about anything regarding feelings and my mom was broken. She was my safety net so often growing up, and I couldn’t lean on her. So, I sat on the couch, observing. I am not sure if my parents saw their parents upset all the time and just thought it was normal behavior to shove that onto your children.
What would a confident person do during this situation? I few things come to mind now that I am actually thinking about it. A Confident parent would teach their child, it is not their fault. A confident person would realize this is not their fault what so ever. They could try and help, like maybe try talking to my mom or dad and asking them if there is anything they needed. A confident person would realize that they are not responsible for their parents mistakes they might’ve made in the past. It is not a parents duty to burden their children with their problems. They would realize when they were getting taken advantage of, mistreated emotionally, or even worse, manipulated.
When I think of my role as a parent, I do not think one of my jobs would be hand over my problems, or project my short comings, or mental hang ups to my children. It is super important to experience these emotions. Not shove them aside, or inside, and not deal with them until they show up when you don’t want them to later in life. So, I want to be able to teach my children that these emotions are all normal, human, and manageable. The ability to experience them, acknowledge them, but to let them pass is the crucial one.
-SSS